Jessica Belmosto

“The only man who would ever love you would be blind, deaf and dumb.” I remember the first time he ever said that to me. I didn’t expect it’d still bother me over ten years later. If I let every negative comment consume me, I’d be worse than Scrooge. However, a toxic comment that was fed to me for years has impacted my life. What if someone fed me positivity instead of toxicity? Would I look in the mirror and see an unlovable, tired girl or would I see a complete different version of myself?
His words still haunt me to this day. Sometimes I’ll see my reflection  and cringe. Who would want a girl with messy hair, tired eyes and tear stained cheeks.I laugh at myself when I think someone would be remotely interested in me. When you’ve been beaten down so many times and led to believe one thing, it’s incredibly difficult to switch that thinking

When the majority of your  friends are in relationships or seeing someone, life gets pretty lonely. The whole “they’ll come when you’re not looking.” thing has gotten to me lately. I’m not looking. I haven’t been looking. To be quite honest,  I don’t even know where to look. I’m not exactly sure how you even date. Dating is almost as obsolete as the house phone. I would much rather have a sincere relationship than inconsistent flings. I want to have that trust and overwhelming happiness. Maybe I’m over compensating for the love I’ve missed out on. Love isn’t in the cards for everyone. I don’t want to believe that that’s the case for me.

I never had a boyfriend who took me on dates. There was never a high school sweetheart. I never had my heart broken by some boy from English class. I guess that’s another thing that reenforces the whole “blind, deaf and dumb” thing. It’s almost sad that I’m this age and perpetually single. I want to go on dates. I’d love to just lay in bed all day watching movies and taking naps. I want to be able to spoil someone. Honestly, I want to love someone. I want to show them the love they deserve. I know that sounds unbelievably cheesy. I’ve rolled my eyes at the idea too.

I’ve learned to love myself. I’ve learned to take care of what matters most. The only person who is there for you at the end of the day, is yourself. Even after the most “it’ll never happen to me” thing happened to me… I got back on my horse and dealt with it. I couldn’t let one man’s heinous actions ruin my life.

I hope there comes a point where I can say I’m in love. Maybe one day I’ll be able to go on double dates with my friends. I just hope that someday I never spew venom to someone that makes them question their worth.