Jessica Belmosto

Like most days, I’ve been thinking about the time with my dad. Today I’ve been focusing on our days together right before I moved to New York.

Moving To New York

I moved to New York on January 8th of this year. My boyfriend and I moved back to his hometown in upstate New York. Yes, actual upstate- not just a suburb outside of the city. Moving away was something I was so excited for. It was the first step toward independence so and starting my “grown up” life. I had just graduated from community college and was so excited to finally be heading somewhere new with the love of my life.

My parents have been divorced for over 15 years but circumstances brought them back together again for the last six months of my dad’s life. It’s so odd how things worked, really.

We were going to move right after Christmas but then my dog Lilly got sick. She was diagnosed with kidney failure and passed less than a week later. Obviously losing your first dog is hard. I never wanted to experience the pain. My dad was there when we brought Lilly home. He came to visit her and helped us get settled. Seven years later, he stayed awake for 3 nights to make sure she didn’t pass in her sleep.

Dad drove us to the vet and was in the room the day we put her down. He and Lilly had become so close since he moved in. They bonded together day in and day out. Dad would get out of his seat on the couch and Lil would jump on up and steal it from him.

I always say he went shortly after her because she couldn’t be without him.

The Part I Will Never Get Over

It was the day Bradley and I were packing the car to head to our new home. I was coming up the stairs from the basement and Dad was on the couch. He was covered in his teal blanket smiling at me. I forget how the conversation started but he went on to say he needed his dress shoes.

I was confused. We didn’t have anything planned. It was the dead of winter in Massachusetts. No one is willingly going anywhere unless it’s to Dunkies or the grocery store.

“For your wedding. You guys are gonna get married.”

A Future That Won’t Ever Come

Writing that line takes my breath away and makes me cry. While the thought of marrying Bradley does make me emotional, knowing my dad will never be there on that day makes me sick.

I feel so selfish already thinking about the replacement to who will walk me down the aisle. I’ve had family tell my mom that when the time comes they’ll do it. I guess it doesn’t seem right to have anyone make that call right now. I can’t really wrap my head around the fact that it won’t be my dad. We won’t get to do the traditional “first look” or whatever it’s called. Dad doesn’t get to give his little girl away.

When the day comes, I know we will make sure to honor him and other loved ones we lost. It’s a long ways away so it’s not something that either of us need to focus on.

I know in my heart that I will send photos from the special day to his email account that’s been inactive for almost a year. I will text photos to the phone number that once belonged to him.

My point is that my dad saw a future for me. He saw a future with Bradley and that means the absolute world to me.

When my dad was visiting us in New York the weekend he got sick, I saw a side of him I’ve never seen before. He was social. Dad was very shy and reserved. He talked the entire weekend. Him and Bradley’s dad were bonding and my dad was shining.

Watching the two of them hang out in the living room had me flash forward to years down the road where we’re all in town for the holidays and they’re spending time in the living room with their grandchildren. I don’t know what happened between them leaving New York and the 12 hours after but that dream would never come true.

Love you to the moon and back.