Jessica Belmosto

It’s been about a month since I started this process. It started with me leaving twitter. I felt that the app was consuming my life and I was so quick to jump on there and vent all my problems. It wasn’t a good look. After a week or so I decided to put writing on the back burner. I wasn’t feeling inspired and I needed to allow this burn out to happen. The semester was starting and the stress and pressure was rising. I felt myself crumbling. I wanted to write but every time I sat down I would get frustrated when nothing of quality was being written. There was a lot going on behind the scenes that was driving me to believe I would never be good enough. I fell for it. It was a pity party for one. I couldn’t allow the depression and anxiety to win. This wasn’t the first time I’ve faced these demons. I had to put my big girl pants on and look within for the answers.

Taking a break from Twitter was a huge step. Constantly running to an app filled with negativity and where I always compared myself to others wasn’t healthy. I had Jess change my password and not change it back until I was ready. The first few days were hard but I started to forget about the app all together. Luckily, I had a few friends who would keep me updated on any sports news I was missing. I miss live tweeting Bruins games or playing into the Red Sox fandom jokes. It’s a fun community to be a part of. I did feel like the more I was on there and comparing myself to other writers, the deeper I’d fall into my depression. I couldn’t win no matter what.

Depression is ugly. Anxiety is ugly. Mental illness in general is ugly. The stigma attached to mental health prevents us from talking about it. While people are more open and honest now, I think that a lot of people have negative feelings towards mental health and mental illness. My anxiety has thrown a lot of curve balls at me in my lifetime. The most recent one has been self doubt. I stopped writing because I felt so burnt out. I felt like I couldn’t string any words together that made any sense or provided any insight. It felt watered down and not like my typical writing. I started thinking that I didn’t want to write anymore. While I’ve been writing for as long as I can remember, I just felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. My thoughts were warped. It was as if my thoughts were on a loop and I couldn’t break the cycle. I felt so gross about myself. It’s like I was becoming those negative thoughts. I was becoming a “bad writer” or a “shady friend.” I wasn’t myself. It felt like I was drowning. Day in and day out I was struggling. I knew I needed to do something to help myself.

I was already going to the gym frequently. I had sort of fallen off but not to the point where I wasn’t going at all.I “forced” myself to go after work almost everyday. It was a good routine to get into. I liked having that hour or two to myself after a long day before going home. I’ve been going consistently and I do feel better! There’s always room to grow but the dark cloud isn’t looming over me as much.

We live in a culture where drinking is glorified. College kids are expected to go out and black out at least once a week. It’s scary to think that I needed alcohol to have fun. Certain people in my life lead my to believe that that was true! I thought that every time I went out, I needed to order a Long Island Iced Tea. I thought it was “normal” to black out whenever you went out with friends. I eventually learned that that wasn’t the case. Over the summer, something happened where I developed an aversion to alcohol. It’s not something that has to do with my health or well being and it’s not my place to share. I just know that alcohol was a big turn off for me. Since then, I’ve stopped going out as often. I don’t like going all out three nights a week and spending money I maybe didn’t have. I’m not sober. I do enjoy going out and drinking in moderation. One or two nights a week I will have a glass of wine to help me unwind. I have learned my limits. Turning to alcohol isn’t a healthy way to cope and drinking in excess isn’t healthy.

I’ve spent plenty of time reflecting.This little break has allowed me to do some soul searching. I’m not the opinion of others. I do not need to churn out a million sports blogs a month in order to be a good writer. I am a full time student who has to balance a job on top of my hobbies. There’s plenty of time in the world for me to write. The world is over saturated with hot takes. Taking care of myself is more important than firing off a half arsed blog about a Bruins game.If I’m going to put out a blog, it’s going to be something I’m proud of. I don’t have a set schedule but I would like to get back to writing once a week.

Remember to take care of yourself. You can’t reach your goals if you aren’t giving it your all.

Thank you to everyone who stuck by me through things that went on behind the scenes. There was only so much you guys could do and you managed to do even more than I expected.