Jessica Belmosto

When Karen Fairchild of Little Big Town sang, “the bravest thing I ever did was run.” I really felt that. There was once a time where I didn’t think I’d ever walk away. I ended up taking major step and cut off all contact with this person. Last Saturday was the last time he would ever make me cry. It hasn’t been long but there’s a sense of clarity now. Now that that chapter is closed and I feel better the possibility of moving on is there.

I wouldn’t say I’m jumping back into the dating game. The way the cards have fallen it just happens to feel that way. People shoot their shot and I’m not going to be one to deflect it. I’ve noticed something though… Those character flaws that I used to overlook or make excuses for are now major red flags. I learned that these aren’t “character flaws” these are literal signs of a narcissist. We operate on a three strike system now. If I’m getting to know someone and one of those flags pop up, my guard goes up. I learned what happens when you don’t set boundaries.

The red flags become more and more noticeable. Sometimes it’s a saying. Sometimes it’s a behavior. You saw it long enough to know why you’re having a reaction. I stand up for myself now. There’s no room for manipulation. If I’m being talked down to, I let them know that that’s not okay. I used to feel so mean for doing that. But why? Why should anyone speak to me, or anything in a way that doesn’t command the respect they deserve? I’ll hear something. I’ll let it slide because hey, maybe it’s just a comment. If it’s followed up with an all too familiar sentence it gets nipped in the bud. It’s not my job to hold them accountable but I’ll be damned if they think gaslighting or manipulation is okay. I was walked on like a doormat for too long. It’s never going to happen again.

Sunday morning I had a discussion about holding myself accountable; not just in relationships but in all aspects of life. I was able to learn around from the contributors but also from sharing. I’m not responsible for anyone else’s actions. I can’t control someone else. I can’t make them change. Hearing that now made me feel a little better. I spent so much time wanting those red flags to go away and they didn’t. If I notice them in someone new I’m not wrong for not waiting around.

I’m not an expert. I probably shouldn’t slap the label of a narcissist on him but if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck… I felt mean for shutting new guys down so fast. I would make excuses for them and then quickly realize I was falling back into old habits.

Noticing and acknowledging those red flags in new partners is important. I don’t think closing myself off and never letting anyone in is going to benefit me. It’s a long road ahead but I know that not everyone I meet is him. His poison will not get to me anymore.