Jessica Belmosto

It’s me again, writing about two things that scare me to no end: my health and relationships. Writing has always been therapeutic to me and it’s been a while since I’ve opened up. Love you.

I like to spend this time of year reflecting. I look back at where I was emotionally, physically, and spiritually. How much have I grown? What has changed in my life to make me feel what I’m feeling? Well thankfully, I’m in a much better position all around this year. My heart is healed and I’m doing well in school. Sure my Kallmann Syndrome is under the control, but how is my body?

Going to the gym helped me a lot this year. I hit a few bumps in the road with a concussion and injured ankle, but I pushed through. I learned that even on my worst days I could push through and feel better. I looked better and felt better. It was rewarding all around!

With school and work in full swing I found myself exhausted. I’d spend my commute crying because of how tired I was. I thought this would end once the semester did. ( I’d like to mention that I have a high pain tolerance. ) Stretching and a good night’s rest is all I need! This time it’s different. My legs ache like I ran a marathon. I have back spasms now and it’s debilitating. I feel like a dark cloud hangs over me and keeps me down. I’m starting to feel better but I’m scared it’s going to get worse someday.

I am the happiest I’ve been in two years. I left unhealthy situations and found friends who are fantastic human beings. I could write an entire blog on the amazing people I met this year. Hm, maybe I will. They’ve never given me a reason to believe that they don’t like me or there’s any sense of resentment but there’s this little voice in the back of my head that says otherwise. This year I’ve learned to listen to my body. I’ve had to cancel plans I was really looking forward to because of how tired my body is. I feel like I’m up to it but my body is screaming for rest. There must come a point where they get tired of it. Do they make plans with me and expect me to cancel? It’s always in the back of my mind.

Guilt is a useless emotion but it’s really good at holding me hostage. I have this fear that my friends grow to resent me because of how often I flake. I miss my friends terribly and wish I had energy at the end of a work day to spend a few hours with them. If I ignore my body and go, it’ll set me back a few days or maybe a week. I’ve learned to be selfish in moments like that.

I’m terrified to ask people to get together for my birthday. I feel like I’m not being a good friend or people are getting tired of me. There’s no real evidence to even back it up. It’s the fear of what’s happened in past friendships jumping back into the present. They are my favorite people. I was able to learn so much from them this year. They didn’t hold my hand and allowed me to learn some of the hardest lessons on my own but they were there to pick me up right after. And for that, I’m forever grateful.