Jessica Belmosto

I keep deleting whatever I write. My thoughts aren’t clear. My feelings are very unclear. I don’t know how to describe what I’m feeling. I’ve felt disappointment before but this time around it’s breaking my heart.

If you’ve read my blog for a while you know this year didn’t start off on the best foot. Being ghosted by someone I adored despite the warning signs, really set the tone. It took a few months but I did pick myself up. I was able to get closure. I feel better now but that doesn’t erase the hell I went through.

After that chapter closed, I put myself back out there. I went on a few dates and nothing panned out. The best date I went on was with this kid who ran a sports store. I ended up finding a Nomar Garciaparra Cubs jersey. I’m convinced he was brought into my life just so I could buy the jersey. I’ve kept an open mind. I haven’t gone into situations with high expectations. There’s almost no point. I’m not exactly the biggest fan of the “Lets be friends.” crowd either. You know, I’m perfectly fine with keeping things platonic. Friendships go both ways though. Forced conversation and constantly cancelling plans, is not friendship.

Friendships are hard. I miss driving around late at night singing along to one of our playlists. Times change and people grow apart, but this just hurts. It’s like I only hear from someone when it benefits them. Maybe it’s my anxiety that’s leading me to think like this. It would be really hard to lose everyone all at once.

Loneliness. That’s what it is. After writing all of this and filtering through situations and weird thoughts, I’ve got it. I’ve been craving companionship. That’s exactly what it is. I miss the days of having someone I could call and sit in Panera with for hours on end. I don’t exactly have that right now. This is the longest time I’ve gone without “talking” to or seeing someone. I miss having that special connection and I really do long for it.

This was an insanely negative post and I apologize. I needed to get this out before I could think about publishing anything else. I promise there will be more baseball content coming soon. I’ve got some exciting things planned for the future!

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