Jessica Belmosto

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER! @jessbelmosto

I feel like I only write about the negative when I post updates. I mean, it’s much easier to focus on the negative when that’s what’s consuming you. Anyways, that’s sort of beside the point. There’s a lot of things happening in my life right now. A lot of good and some not so good.

Since school has ended I’ve been relaxing. I have a lot of time on my hands which is a very nice change! I finished the semester a lot stronger than I expected. Never in my life did I think I would get a high B in math. Hard work really does pay off. It’s been nice to sleep in and not have any real responsibilities. Nannying has been a treat too! I love getting the kids off the bus and making their afternoon enjoyable. There’s something special about molding the children of the future. I start working full time with the family next week. I’m looking forward to our summer together!

If I had to rewind and pinpoint when this started, I would have to guess it was around finals. The anxiety seemed normal. Who doesn’t get nervous and on edge around finals? The semester came to an end and the feelings never subsided. A few of my friends graduated from a local college and that’s when it hit me. Were those friendships only a thing because we could see each other frequently? What was going to happen when they moved on? Sadly, it was just as I expected. I stopped hearing from people. Communication was already at a minimum but now it was dead. I spent a lot of energy trying to revive friendships and it got to the point where I had had enough. Yeah, life happens but if you can’t take five minutes to talk to a friend, you’re not worth my time. That might sound a little harsh but I’m not a fan of being ghosted and only hearing from someone when they need me. Been there, done that.

In the past month, I’ve come to terms with a past relationship. We had tried to rekindle things a few months ago. I knew in my heart it wasn’t going to happen. It took me watching 500 Days of Summer to realize how much better I deserved. That sounds so dumb considering my friends have been telling me for months he’s no good for me. It’s the little things, I guess. You can’t hold onto something that isn’t there. There are times when I miss our conversations or time together. Something about what he and I “had” left a permanent mark on me. I can’t seem to fully move on. I’m holding onto nothing. I can’t let go of the picture he painted for me. I don’t miss him. I miss the illusion I created.

I have a podcast now! You probably see my plugging it on all of my social media accounts. Having this outlet with Jess is awesome! We just sit back and talk about sports and whatever else, for about an hour! Jess is someone I met by complete accident through another friend. While it’s adding to my portfolio, it’s also just a chance to lay it all out on the table! Jess is very knowledgeable about the major sports in our market. I seriously cannot explain how much I love doing this. An episode of our podcast is what we’d talk about on a night out. Gotta love it!

A few other things have been fueling this constant anxiety. If you follow me on social media, you’ve probably seen that I’m on a fitness journey. I’ve been doing okay with getting to the gym. I’ve been eating clean/plant based off and on for a month. My body feels better but I’m not here to give a speech on that. Social media has perpetuated the idea that I need to be skinny and toned in order to be seen as beautiful. It’s harmful. I don’t go without and I don’t force myself to extremes. It just makes me sad that I don’t look like “other girls” on social media. My friend Hails told me that being skinny doesn’t make you beautiful. She’s absolutely right. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. I guess it just sort of sucks when you realize you’ll never be that “type” of beautiful. Hails has helped me through this new adventure. She’s been encouraging and nothing but kind through this whole thing. Hailey is my rock. I could write an entire blog about our friendship and what she means to me. Having her on this journey is the only reason I haven’t given up.

Some of you know that I have a condition called Kallmann Syndrome. I’ve been on a new form of treatment for about a year now! My quality of life has increased and I feel like my hormone levels are balanced. However, there have been some weird things happening. It started with my feet going numb while I was working out. I didn’t raise any questions until it happened multiple times. It stopped and I never thought about it again. However, today both of my fingers started tingling while I was driving. I almost started crying. Could it have been lack of sleep and pure frustration? Yes. I get scared. I don’t like knowing the future. There aren’t too many adults with my conditions who don’t have bone/nerve problems. I’m only 22! I have a hell of a lot of time ahead of me. The last thing I want is this ridiculous condition get in my way.

From my windshield being smashed and another parental heartbreak, my patience has been tested. I can’t control what has happened but I can control how I handle situations. While I expect struggles, I know I will grow. I’ve let go of certain relationships and really embraced the ones that matter. There are changes coming. I’m more than likely transferring colleges within the next year. This is a change I’m very much looking forward to. Thank you to everyone who reads my blogs or follows me on twitter.