Jessica Belmosto

I was driving the other day and it suddenly hit me. You can’t change the ending. You can only spend so much time and energy perseverating on a situation.

I’ve written about it before but my most recent break up did a true number on me. I can’t even classify it as a breakup. That’s not the point. I wanted to change it. I wanted to spend one more night laughing and making stupid jokes together. The things I would’ve done for one last forehead kiss. It wasn’t until I had closure that I was okay. He had moved on. I was trying to. Some of us need more time than others. I can’t explain how hard it was to think about someone else sleeping where I did. I spent so much time crying over someone who tossed me to the side. I knew I deserved better. It took time but I’m finally okay with it. I don’t spend my nights praying he’ll text me. I can listen to my favorite songs again and not think of him. Hell, I think I’m at the point where I can find someone who will treat me like I deserve. It comes with time.

Friendships haven’t always been a walk in the park. I’ve struggled from a very young age. I always assumed and never communicated. Of course I wish I cherished relationships more. I tried so hard to get people to like me. I lost myself in that process. Was that part of growing up? Was I supposed to lose the person I thought would be a life long friend? Things are different now. My friends are my entire world. There’s nothing that makes me happier than giving to them. I’ve exhausted myself by giving them all I have. That’s not me trying to play the victim. That’s me being honest and trying to please everyone. Right now, I’m hurting. I wish I put my foot down a long time ago. Would I be good enough if I went to a different college? Would things be different if I didn’t give as much. Everything is just, different. I believe I’m losing the ones who mean the most to me. There’s only so much you can do to save something.

It’s not always about the loss though. Maybe it’s a life choice we made. Was it beneficial to leave a job? Did you make the right choice when you chose your major? Are you giving your pet the best life possible? There’s a million “what ifs” I could go on about. The choices we make shape our lives. Whether we like it or not, these growing pains are part of life.

Grieving is okay. I can’t imagine anyone being totally okay with losing someone the cared about. There comes a point where moving on is a must. The healing doesn’t happen overnight. God, I wish it did. With time, it gets better. You might wake up one day and realize a song doesn’t make you cry anymore. You might be able to go somewhere again because the sting isn’t there anymore. We can only do so much before the negativity consumes us.