Jessica Belmosto

Last night I made the stupid mistake of posting a link to my curious cat on twitter. If you don’t know what curious cat is, it’s basically a place where people come and leave anonymous comments. I usually post it and get a few comments about my writing. Occasionally there’s a mean message but it’s never enough to bother me. Last night was different. For whatever reason, the wolves came out to play. A lovely anonymous user decided to pick everything about me apart. I gave it right back. Granted, it was the heat of the moment and I didn’t say everything I wanted to.

I have a very thick skin. When you grow up with brothers and being bullied, you just learn to let things roll of your back. I’ve been going through the motions for the past month or two. It’s a little worse than the winter blues but I’m managing. Anyways, this person told me I’m ungrateful for the friends that I do have. That’s rich considering I bend over backwards for 90% of the people in my life and get fucked over by at least half of them. I stopped giving. I stopped reaching out. Spoiler alert: I lost the majority of the people I considered my friends. I have surrounded myself with people who nitpick every little thing about me. It’s not the best choice but hey, friends are friends right? There’s this little thing called depression that makes you feel alone even when you’re in a room full of people who love you. I really don’t want to explain myself or even try to justify what I’m going through but, it’s really hard to bring yourself out of a rut when it seems like everything is going wrong.

Apparently my struggle with Kallman Syndrome  isn’t real because it can’t kill me and it’s never put me in the ICU. I’m fully aware that my condition is very moderate compared to other patients. There are plenty of other people who are suffering from illnesses more severe. My illness is just as real as anyone else’s. I was undiagnosed for fifteen years and I went untreated for seventeen. There are repercussions from that. I do what I can to manage it. If you knew me when I wasn’t on treatment, you know how different I looked. Going through hormone replacement therapy, made me change. I was changing very quickly and it was a shock to the system. I’ve been on treatment for five years and I continue to manage the syndrome to the best of my ability. I have down days. There are days when I cannot leave my bed because of how sick I am. I need a day or two to recover after spending a day in the city. It’s like a hangover even if I hadn’t been drinking. Trying to balance and regulate hormones is very difficult too. As time goes on new things can pop up. I truly do the best I can to take care of myself.

It stung a bit when they said I was ungrateful for my friends. There’s nothing I love more than spending time with my friends after we haven’t seen each other in a while. The people who are consistently in my life are totally aware how grateful I am for them. I let it be known how much friendships mean to me. I’m not ungrateful because I’ve stopped talking to people who don’t value our friendship. It’s a two way street. I’m at the point where I can’t keep giving. I’m not talking about giving material things. I mean that I can’t keep giving my time and myself to people who aren’t going to be around.

I just wanted to write about this because I’m sure people saw my responses. I wanted to explain myself and where I’m coming from. I’m calm, cool and collected now. I wish people were nicer. You never know what people are going through. Granted, I’m in a place where I can let this go and not take it too seriously. If you’re reading this, try to do three nice things for someone today. It could change their day.